Let’s be real here.  Being diagnosed with infertility issues will turn your world upside down! Countless doctor appointments, medical procedures, outrageous highs and heartbreaking lows.  Your world just changes!

I think it was always really easy to get caught up in how all of this was affecting me! I would focus on how MY life was different and how hard it was for ME.  I was, however, giving myself the shots and going through the physical aspect all by myself.  It was easy to forget that this not only impacts me, but also impacts my husband.  When we fell in love, we had dreams of a family and a life together.  It did not include shots, expensive treatments, and devastating loss.  Surprise!

When we were diagnosed with infertility issues, it scared me as I didn’t know what our future would bring.  Reid was scared as well! So, in honor of all of the amazing spouses out there, I am interviewing my husband and getting his perspective on things.  This was strangely a very therapeutic conversation for both of us.  While we had spoken about issues during our ups and downs, we haven’t sat down recently with these specific questions.  I pray that this is helpful to those of you going through infertility and loss.

How was life before we were diagnosed with infertility issues?

I think that I always felt we would have two healthy kids.  I wanted at least one boy, and honestly after that, I didn’t care what we had.  I never even thought it would be a struggle.  There was no reason for me to think there would be an issue.  I have a sister that had kids without any issues, so it never crossed my mind.

How did you feel when we originally were diagnosed with infertility issues?

Candidly, I didn’t think it was that big of a long term issue.  It was just an obstacle that we had to overcome.  I have always been a glass half full guy, so I tried to figure out how to fix it.  Looking back, I was clearly clueless!

How did our infertility initially change your life?

Our struggles allowed us to travel longer prior to getting pregnant.  You were traveling with shots and medications, but it didn’t effect me!  There was no downside initially for me.

What surprised you most about infertility?

1. Cost.  It wasn’t so bad having Harlan.  But, trying to have Jackson . . . it was during a financial recession.  That made it even more difficult.  And, being the primary breadwinner for our family, I felt pressure at times to continue to expand our family even when it probably wasn’t smart.  Of course, now we have Jackson because of that, so I would go back and make those same decisions again and again.
2.  The different options that were available to us!  It is amazing what medicine and technology can do these days!
3. Forced Sex.  It is miserable (My wife would like to insert an apology here for all of our family reading this blog post!)

What was the biggest challenge of infertility?

Definitely the cost, like I mentioned above.  And, also Shawna’s unwillingness to share.  She shared with one or two friends, but didn’t want us to share with anyone else.  I am very close with my family, and wanted to talk with them in detail about all of this.  We just had two different ways of coping with all of this.  Of course, now she has this blog and tells all of it!  Where was this Shawna back in the day?!?!

In your opinion, what helped us get through the hard times of infertility?

Travel, spending time with each other, talking with family and friends, and knowing that other people are going through the same thing!

What advice would you give to another husband in the midst of infertility issues?

Be prepared for ups and downs, both physically and emotionally.  For both of you.  At the end of the day, do whatever you can to have kids (infertility treatments or adoption).  Being a parent is the most rewarding thing that I have ever done.

What advice would you give a women in the midst of infertility issues?

Be open and honest.  Let your husband in.  Know that your husband is going through the roller coaster of emotions as well.

How did you handle our miscarriages?

They are all so different.  Chemical pregnancies are so different from the miscarriages when you see a heartbeat.  I was never invested in the chemical pregnancies, but once you see a heartbeat, it is different,  You are invested.  Even after we lost the twin girls, I was optimistic! Sophie, however, was totally different.  It was raw.  We pictured our life with her.  It affected our entire family.  When the entire family is involved, it becomes even more of an issue.  That is one big piece of advice I have . . . don’t share with your children until you know that everything is a “go”.  We thought Sophie was 100% healthy, so I guess we messed up anyway.  Just don’t take your kids on the roller coaster with you.  It is heartbreaking.

What did you learn about yourself?

Men process things different than women.  While you have your own ups and downs, if you have something (like work) to throw yourself into and distract you, it can soften the blow a bit.  Also, I am an emotional guy.  I don’t like seeing my wife and kids suffer.  It is not an enjoyable experience.

What did you learn about me?

Shawna is a lot tougher than I imagined her to be.  She would do anything to grow our family and protect her children.  While men don’t deal with the physical trauma, it is real for women.  And, the emotions of going through infertility and then also losing a child are raw.  I don’t know how women deal with it.  I am in awe.

How has your faith been tested or evolved through infertility and loss?

The loss of Sophie definitely made me question my faith.   But, at the end of the day, we don’t always understand God.  He is in charge.  Even if we don’t like the cards we are dealt, we have the play them.  I’ll see Sophie in Heaven.  And, I think about that a lot . . . how will she be? No one can answer that for me.

Any closing thoughts?

Infertility is hard.  For both the wife and husband.  Miscarriage is heartbreaking.  I know that I lost several babies, but Shawna carried them.  Her loss is both physical and emotional.  I had to learn how to be there for both of us.  Just love one another.  I pray for all of those couples going through what I went through.  It is hard.  I am thankful we survived it.

A big thank you to my sweet husband for being so open and honest during this interview.  We have been through SO VERY MUCH together, and there is no one else that I’d rather do life with!