I don’t know about y’all, but I have an uncanny ability to make myself feel guilty about things.  In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that most women feel this way.  Or, at least all of the women that I know! And, for you guys out there, I won’t talk for you today as I know everyone is different.  But, ladies, I’m going to talk for us.  Or, for most of us.

I feel like it is my own, personal talent that I can make myself feel guilty for the silliest of reasons, big and small.  I saw this quote the other day.  I mean, extreme, but I will admit that I have been there.  Almost.

When I was seriously dating Reid, I felt guilty if I spent too much time at work.  When I started infertility, I felt guilty that the process changed me in a way that I wasn’t there for my people like I should have been.  Don’t get me started about food . . . I can make myself feel guilty on a daily basis.  And, when I became a mom . . . well, mom guilt.  I feel guilty if I am doing this and not that, but if I am doing that, then I feel guilty that I am not over there.  On and on, my friends.  I know so many of you feel that.

I think that as we age, we have the ability to be hard on ourselves.  Besides all of the healing I enjoyed with my therapist last year, the one thing she would say over and over: “You are too hard on yourself”.  I am.  We are.  It’s a thing.

Now that I’m on the other side of infertility, there is a new feeling of guilt. I wrestled with it prior to starting my blog.  And, really as we have grown the Lunchbox Babies community. I share a TON about my infertility journey and multiple miscarriages.  I tell stories about Reid, my addiction to Fritos (its a thing . . . someone find me a support group!), and all of the books I am reading! I love sharing my life with you. BUT . . . I don’t share a lot about my boys.  I have spoken to so many of you amazing women, and I have walked your walk.  And, although I am extremely blessed . . . I feel guilty.

I don’t know if parents who have had their children easily feel this.  There is an overwhelming number of infertility warriors out there that have been able to achieve parenthood.  And speaking as one of them, I feel guilty sharing the “other side” with you.  I feel guilty for the ones who are still in the midst of their journey.  And, I feel guilty for those that have given up the fight and are now moving on without that dream being realized.

I remember the jealousy and sadness when someone I knew became pregnant.  And, last year, I remember feeling immense anger every time a woman had a baby anytime around when I had Sophie, or when her true due date was supposed to be. I don’t want anyone to feel that hurt.  And, that makes me feel guilty.

I know your struggle all too well, and I know your sadness.  My walk of infertility and loss may be behind me, but is still something that impacts me greatly.  Which is why I started this blog.  As a sweet friend told me: “Wow, you have a lot to say!” Ha! Yes, I do! Going through what I have gone through has given me LOTS of thoughts on the subject!

So, my goal here is two-fold:

1. Today, I challenge you to NOT be hard on yourself. To not make yourself feel guilty.  I am basically saying this to myself as well! Daily struggle, people. We are all doing the best that we can.  Be kind to yourself.

2. I am going to push past my feelings of guilt, and try to share a bit more of my boys.  Such as this . . .

Tomorrow, my first miracle baby turns 11! How is that possible? I always say that Harlan was super easy to have as I look back on all of the craziness.  We did do SEVERAL months of infertility treatments, but I had infertility insurance (yeah for big consulting firms!) and he was my first pregnancy! I never experienced a miscarriage before him.  Ah . . . sweet, naive Shawna.  As we have been approaching his birthday and starting the celebrations over this last weekend, I’ve wanted to share this moment and my joy with y’all!  So, Harlan turns 11 tomorrow.  November 7th.  Side note: that was actually Sophie’s due date.  She was supposed to be born on the day that sweet Harlan turned 10.  Last year, I hate to say that Harlan’s birthday was bittersweet.  He did not want to celebrate his birthday and only wanted his sister with him.  I mean, y’all! Try having that conversation with your kid without crying.  Boxes of tissues were used!  But, this year, November 7th is all about my sweet Harlan.  His grief was suffocating him this time last year, but he has grown so much. He made me a mom, and I am forever grateful that he is mine.  Thank you for letting me share such a big piece of my heart!

This is an old picture. Just can’t resist the one, giant front tooth!

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Have you dealt with guilt after infertility? Do you guys experience any of the crazy guilt that I do? I love hearing your thoughts and getting your messages.  Thank you for letting me share my life, and allowing me to slowly share more of my miracle boys.  XO