Since starting this blog, I have had numerous women reach out to me telling me of their recent miscarriages.  I feel so honored to be gifted with their stories, and am blessed to be able to pray for them and to give any advice that I can offer at such a heartbreaking time.  The one commonality I have found with my conversations, is that while each woman’s experience is different, they all want to know how they can heal, when the pain will stop, and how they can possibility move forward.  Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  Yes, we “celebrate” this all month, but October 15th is the big day.  I thought today, of all days, would be the best time for a post about healing after miscarriage and loss.

When writing this blog, I reached out to some amazing women in my life.  Basically rock stars!  I know some dear women that all lost their babies late into their pregnancies.  Some later than others.  But, like me, they all had to deliver their precious babies, hold them, love on them, and then hand them off to the doctor for good.  These women walked this road before I lost Sophie last summer, and they were all amazing resources to me throughout my grieving process.

Before moving forward, please let me say that everyone grieves and heals differently.  What seems silly to one woman, may be the one thing that got another woman through the darkness.  The feelings you feel . . . the heartbreak, the anger, the resentment . . . these emotions are so normal.

I wanted to put together this post because the saying “it will just take time to heal” is painful.  It is true, but painful.  I wanted to share some real examples for those of you where the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day means something personal.  These sweet women gave me the ways in which they healed.  And, combined with my thoughts, I wanted to share for those of you hurting today. I have broken it out into the Ridiculous, the Raw, the Real, and the Remembering .

THE RIDICULOUS
This one is all me.  So, when you look five months pregnant, but are no longer pregnant, it only adds more of a sting.  So, after I was cleared to workout, I would basically strap myself to our elliptical, blast Josh Groban’s “You Raise Me Up” over and over, and bawl my eyes out.  I mean, there is a gospel choir in the song.  Who doesn’t cry when a gospel choir starts doing their thing? It was such a healing song for me . . . I still tear up when I hear it. It is so ridiculous, but I love Josh Groban.  Ha! So ridiculous.  I know nothing about him, but I hope that he is happy in his life and knows that his talent has changed and impacted at least one person’s heart.

It doesn’t matter if it is ridiculous and silly in hind sight.  Anything that can help you heal YOUR heart can only be beneficial.  Screaming songs at the top of your lungs like Kelly Clarkson while in your car alone? Done it. Start jumping jacks when you start crying and continuing until you stop? Done it.  Which, surprisingly, watching yourself doing jumping jacks in the mirror makes the tears stop pretty quickly.  Whatever you think will help you, go for it.  Realize how silly it is later, and then still don’t care its silly!

THE REAL
To me, this category includes those REAL life, survival things we find ourselves doing just to keep our head above water. One of these sweet friends and I laughed about how much awful reality TV we watched during this time.  I mean, Bachelor in Paradise made me feel like my life was normal, so I watched religiously!

Some other thoughts from my sweet friends:
“I talked to my closest friends about anything other than my loss . . . I knew that if I was alone and isolated too much it would be very hard to move forward.  We did a lot as a family, play card games, watch movies.  I took two trips to see out of town friends that I hadn’t seen in awhile.  I wrote down goals that I wanted to accomplish over the next year to try and divert my mind to other things.”

“Just give yourself time.  Time away from the constant heartache.  Get a manicure, get a massage, get with your best friends and laugh about the goofy things.  Keep yourself busy, so that darn time will go faster!”

THE RAW
Talking about your emotions through hysterical tears is GOOD! I screamed at God while on my knees on my bathroom floor.  Screamed and yelled through the tears.  I knew that my God could handle it.  I also knew that my husband and best friend could handle it when they saw me a time or two on the bathroom floor as well.  Don’t hide from those emotions.  Grieving is a process.

From a sweet friend: “I take long walks alone around a favorite spot near my home, I loop a song that really seemed to move my soul while I was carrying her and after I lost her.  It’s an instrumental so it helps to draw back my memories of that time.  I just pour the tears.  I also have a playlist of songs from her memorial that we played along with other songs that speak to my heart that I listen to on quiet drives.”

THE REMEMBERING
Everyone chooses to handle this part on such a personal level.  I know women that have buried their babies and still visit their grave.  I know women that have the baby’s pictures in a box at the top of a closet and haven’t look at them since returning home from the hospital.  It is all so personal, and I respect however anyone chooses to handle their own situation.

My children only know about Sophie, they have no clue about the other 8 miscarriages that Reid and I have experienced.  And, since I was so far along, Sophie really is the only one that continues to tug at our hearts.  The sweet therapist that helped me through this experience suggested that on June 17th every year, we take a moment to toast to Sophie.  The emotions were too raw on this first anniversary earlier in the summer, but it may be something we do moving forward.  I will say that Sophie is included in our nightly prayers (the boys demand this to continue!) and she is mentioned from time to time.

I do want to share something beautiful from one of my friends about how her family remembers their precious daughter: “We celebrate her birthday every year.  We start the day with my husband and kids making rainbow pancakes.  We all look through her scrap book together of the few pictures and keepsakes we have.  The boys get to ask questions and every year it seems they have new ones.  We read through cards that people gave us, journal entries I wrote when I was pregnant.  They get to touch her foot and hand impressions.  They buy her flowers.  Its our one day for all things pink! Then we follow with singing Happy Birthday and they all get to blow out the candles.  Then we walk outside, pray, and release one more balloon than the previous year to mark how long she has been gone.”  Y’all.  I cried reading this.  Such a beautiful tradition.

If you are going through a loss right now, please reach out so that I can pray for you, chat with you, or even just be the one person you tell.  If you have a friend or family member that is dealing with this, please forward this post onto them.  It is a lonely and heartbreaking experience.  It is so important to know that we are not alone. Some of the strongest women I know are the ones that have survived some very hard experiences.  You are tough, and you will get through it! Much love to all of you today.  Take care of each other! XO