The idea of Lunchbox Babies came out of a LONG struggle with infertility and loss.  I have chatted a time or two about what to say when someone you love is experiencing infertility.  It is hard to know what to do with us, and I know that MANY, MANY people have walked on egg shells around me a time or two.  My husband would agree to that statement.  Bless his heart.

Beyond infertility is loss.  For some, that loss is the loss of a dream to ever have a child.  For me, that loss was multiple miscarriages.

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), the CDC, and the March of Dimes, have all done studies on miscarriage rates.  Depending on which study you look to, between 15 – 25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.  And, only 1% of women will have a repeat miscarriage.  Shout out on that one, people.  I should get some type of reward . . . bottle of wine, maybe?  Am I right?

Unless you have been through a miscarriage, you can’t understand the heartbreak and pain.  It is shocking how you can love a child you have never met so much, and in such a short amount of time.  Today I want to share with you several ways to help a friend or family member that has a had a miscarriage.  This is very close to my heart.  For many women, the experience of a miscarriage is deeply private.  There is so much sadness and pain, and it is not discussed.  As I have mentioned before, we as women tend to push all of this “fun” stuff down so that we can move forward with a smile on our faces.  But friends, this quote described the second half of 2017 for me.  I am sure that it may be describing some of you right now.

Since beginning this blog, it has been so overwhelming as to how many people have reached out to me letting me know about their miscarriages.  I get stopped in carpool, at Starbucks, random Facebook messages from people I haven’t spoken to in twenty years, emails from new readers that just want to let me know that they have an angel in Heaven.  I am SO blessed to have all of this knowledge, to pray for all of these women, and to know that I am not alone.  We are not alone.

I totally get why we want to crawl into bed and shut everyone out of our darkest experience.  I was a mess during each of my 9 miscarriages.  A mess.  And, last year? The only reason I got out of bed after losing Sophie at 5 months was to be there for my two sweet boys.  They are how I survived.  I didn’t want to talk to anyone and I didn’t want to see anyone.  I wore my Jackie O sunglasses everywhere I went to cover swollen eyes, and I would sit in my car if I saw someone I knew in an effort to avoid them.  Reid forced me to drag myself out of hiding about a month after we lost her, and that is when my real healing truly began.

So, for all of you sweet friends and family members out there trying to help your loved one.  Here are several things for you to know and how you can help!

1. Everyone grieves differently.
   There is no right or wrong.  And, most importantly, grief last longer than a few days.  Continue to check in with your friend in a week, in a month, in several months.  One thing that I have discovered: grief comes in waves.  It stinks.  Flat out.  But you get through it.
2. Bring food.
   Don’t ask if they need it, just bring it. I had boxes of Tiff’s Treats lining my countertops, and frozen meals filling up my freezer.  I also loved the friend dropping off a Venti Starbucks treat on my doorstep, ringing the doorbell, and walking away.  Such a treat.  And, you know it is a true friend when they are aware your Starbucks obsession continues through tragedy!
3. Send a card or text.
   I made some amazing new friends last year when I received a card or text from (at the time) friendly acquaintances. This is such an easy thing to do, and it can make a person’s day.  During my darkest days, I rarely responded to texts, but I looked at them often, felt so much love, and knew I was not alone. Having a miscarriage is a dark, dark experience for a woman.  She may never acknowledge your card or text, but trust me, she is so very thankful that you are walking this road with her.  And . . . one quick note . . . I love Emily McDowell cards.  I have gotten a few of her cards within the last year, and they are always sweet, funny, and man do they tell the truth! Very refreshing!
4. Send flowers or a sweet gift.
   A one point last summer, Reid told me that we should open up a floral shop based upon what our house looked like.  Some people hate flowers because they die.  I love flowers.  Yes, they die, but they make a dark room be filled with cheer.  If you have a Trader Joe’s near you, they have the best and least expensive flowers in town!  A sweet and thoughtful gift is also so kind.
5. Don’t leave them out!
   She will definitely distance herself for a while, and that is completely understandable.  But, keep inviting them to catch up. When she is ready, she will make the call.  It took me three weeks to call back anyone besides my best friend.  And, even then, it started slowly.  I knew that I had “my people” waiting for me, and for that, I was thankful.
6. Do listen.
   Be there for her.  Be a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to hear all of the details.  I generally kept everything to myself unless someone specifically asked me how I was doing.  Once I started talking (and crying!), it was a blessing to have someone to just sit there and listen.  There is no way to fix a miscarriage.  It is the broken heart that needs the fixing.  Unfortunately, that just takes time.  Which stinks.
7. Do let them know if you’ve experienced a miscarriage before.
   When you start really digging in with your friends, it is amazing to see how many women you know have experienced a miscarriage.  And, sometimes knowing that we have experienced the same heartbreak can be the most comforting.  We are not alone.

If you feel like this post will help someone you know, please pass it along! If you have experienced a miscarriage, I am so sorry.  Please reach out to me, and I am happy to pray for you.  Please know that this is not the end of your story.  You have experienced a burden that no woman should have to bear, but there are amazing things coming your way.  Your baby will not be forgotten.

I know Sophie is currently the captain of a very large Beucler football team in Heaven.  If she is anything like her mother, she is probably directing plays and making up cheers.  Lots of snuggles waiting for me when I enter those pearly gates.

Y’all have a wonderful week.  Thankful for all of you in this awesome community we are building! XO