Since launching my blog in mid-March of this year, I have chatted and messaged with several women about infertility and loss.  The one theme that runs through these conversations is how hard being in the middle of it all feels.  How isolating.  How alone.  I always use the word “desperate”.  That is how I always felt.  Isolated and desperate.  Sounds fun, huh?

I have to say that, for me, I am so thankful that that crazy road is over.  I won’t lie, seeing my boys love on the babies and small children of friends and family can be a dagger to the ol’ heart.  The lovely “what if” rears its ugly head, and I have to make a conscious effort to move on from those thoughts.  It is just so obvious that these two boys of mine are miracles, and I am happy to be past the heartbreak and desperation that infertility and miscarriage bring.

I have learned so many things about life and myself throughout this crazy journey of mine.  I feel like when you are in the midst of ANY type of challenge, it is hard to see the forest for the trees.  But, as I walk forward, looking back has been a strangely rewarding experience.  I have gotten to see the lessons that I have learned.  Man . . . I wish they didn’t take over a decade to learn!  But, now that I have these fun, little life lessons, I want to pass them onto you.

Everyone has struggles. Not just me.
Do you have that person in your life that seems to have it all together? She always look amazing, her kids are well behaved, she is a fan of PDA with her husband, and a money tree has actually sprouted in her backyard. In my case, this friendly acquaintance also made a wish on a star to get pregnant, sneezed and her babies popped out in delivery, had healthy and easy pregnancies, and I think that birds followed her around as she sang Disney songs.  Part of that could be slightly exaggerated.  Maybe.  I remember when I found out that it was all an act.  That she struggled.  Not like with me in my walk of infertility and loss.  But in her own way.  Everyone is struggling with something that we know nothing about.  I have always said that cliché of a phrase, but this was the first time that I really KNEW the meaning of the phrase.  We all have something.  My cross to bear is infertility and multiple miscarriages.  Her walk was different than mine, but she struggled. A lot.  When you are walking through infertility, it is SO EASY to feel like you are the only one struggling.  Now, all of the women around you may be blessed with royal ovaries and the men may all have super power sperm, but they all have their issues as well.  This DOES NOT make your journey any easier, and your desire for a child any less.  But, offering grace in the face of heartbreak sometimes makes it a bit easier to bear.
***Full disclosure that this took me many years to grasp.

This too shall pass.
Isn’t that phrase SUPER ANNOYING? Do you know how many times I heard that or I even said it to myself? When you are walking the road, it feels like a lifetime.  The dreaded “two week wait”?  I never knew that two weeks could feel like a year and a half until I was stockpiling pregnancy tests and waiting for the day I could actually start taking them.  Here is the good news.  This is temporary.  All of it.  Super classy comment coming . . . Infertility SUCKS! Truly.  But, it is temporary.  Whatever the outcome.  I pray that the outcome for you is having your own little miracle children running around your house.  But, one day, your membership at the super awesome infertility sorority will end, you can stop running the never-ending marathon, and you and I can be chatting about the life lessons YOU learned during your journey.
***Lots of prayer is the only way I managed to realize this was temporary.  Didn’t always feel that way.

I am stronger than I am giving myself credit for.
We ALL are! In any challenge that presents itself to us.  Looking back over just the last year, I am amazed at how far I have come.  One year ago, I sat in Labor & Delivery, got an epidural and delivered a baby that was already in Heaven.  I told the sweet nurse that I was being punished.  I truly felt that way.  I have no idea how I made it through that time.  Prayers from family and friends were the only way I survived, and I am only stronger now.  When you are in the midst of your battle with infertility, you will feel like you can’t go on. You will feel like it is all too much.  You are strong.  Keep up the fight.  Find your prayer warriors.  Find your people.  When you look back at this time in your life, you will be amazed at how strong you were.
***I always felt that if I gave up, I would miss something amazing.  I suffer from “fear of missing out” in a bad way!

Don’t isolate yourself.
When we were trying to get pregnant with Jackson, I was DESPERATE to give Harlan a sibling. A handful of miscarriages and failed pregnancy attempts made me isolate myself. I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone, I was scared that we would never have another baby, and I kind of became a different person.  I was a loving mother, a happy wife, and a fun friend on the outside, but I really feel like I was a shell of myself.  I look back at conversations that I had during that time, and I was just TRYING to be “normal”. I became a bit anxious in social situations, just praying that no one would mention my situation or have “fun” pregnancy news of their own.  As years have passed, I have gotten more open (Hello . . . this blog! Clearly I have no issues sharing all with the internet these days!).  I have had more than one person tell me that it was nice to get me back, that I seemed distant during my “desperate” times.  Walking the infertility journey can feel isolating enough, don’t make it worse by retreating into yourself.  Ask for help, hugs, and a laugh.
***I am thankful I learned this a few years in.  I like to talk too much to hide out!

It is hard to walk away.  Know when it is time.
There is one thing my sweet friends that struggled with infertility all agree on.  Once you have struggled getting pregnant or keeping a pregnancy it is VERY difficult to know when to walk away from that journey.  I have blogged about this topic before.  Knowing when to walk away from trying to grow your family is so, so hard.  You can be amazingly blessed by your husband and your children (if you have them), but also feel like you should keep trying to have one more kiddo.  No judgement from me over here.  I get it.  Its complicated.  But, a time will come when you know it is over.  Accepting that is the hardest.  For me, that moment came last Thanksgiving.  I had just lost my second baby of 2017, and was sitting at the kitchen table playing cards with my youngest.  We were having so much fun, and as he was laughing at one of my awesome mom jokes, it just came to me.  I can either spend my time concentrating on my two boys, or spend my time concentrating on trying to grow our family.  They don’t need another sibling as much as they need me.  My love, my time, my full attention.  That realization was the worst.  But, it was what was best for our family.  Sweet friends that are dealing with this decision right now . . . praying for YOU! It is not an easy decision.
***The raw and honest truth? I am still working on the acceptance of this.

I hope that these life lessons may be helpful for any and all of you.  Yes, I am chatting about infertility and loss, but I think these can pertain to any hard issue.  If you would like me to pray for you during your challenging journey, please send me an email.  I would love to be a prayer warrior for you.  I have my share of prayer warriors, and could not have survived without them.  XO