How is that you can miss something that was never really yours in the first place? I have had my share of miscarriages, but this is different.  I miss the daughter that I never knew I wanted, but that I had.  Just for a minute.

This is going to be a hard week.  I have known it was going to be hard for a year.  On June 13^th of last year, I went in for a normal check up that changed my life forever. If I let myself, I can go back to that day and the heartbreak that is beyond anything I have ever felt.  I had JUST felt her kick the night before, how was this happening?

A year ago, this upcoming Sunday, June 17^th, I delivered sweet Sophie Caroline Beucler.  I held her, and then I gave her back.  I left the hospital without my baby that I had just delivered.

As this year has passed, it has all gotten easier.  There can still be tears off and on, but I am so very thankful for the blessings I have in my two little miracle boys.  This is what my family was always supposed to look like, I just have an added guardian angel up in Heaven.

It has been suggested to me that we do a toast each June 17^th in honor of Sophie.  I love that idea, but I’m not sure that would work too well this year.  I would try to be so strong, but the moment the boys started crying, I would cry.  And, then poor Reid would just be toasting himself.  Bless sweet Reid.  He has had so much grace over the last year.  And, now June 17^th is also Fathers Day! I mean, poor dude.  No worries though . . . lots of fun Fathers Day gifts coming his way! And so much love as well!

We are going to surprise the boys this weekend, and head out of town for a little getaway.  I have no idea if the boys will connect what day it is to the memory, but for Reid and me, we need a little distraction.

Last summer, Reid told me that he was worried that I would never be the same.  While I am no longer in the fetal position all hours of the night, I have changed.  My heart is a little softer, I squeeze my boys a little tighter, I am more willing to jump in the pool with my clothes on just to make them laugh. I am so looking forward to Monday, June 18th.  I will have survived a year.  It has gotten easier, and I know that it will continue to get better.  The best is yet to come.

I am going to sign off this week, and not post anymore.  I may post a thing or two on my social media accounts, but I really want to concentrate on my family and hold them tight.  I am so thankful to this precious community that I am building here at Lunchbox Babies.  Your stories inspire me, make me stronger, and make me think I might me on the right path here.  Thank you for your support. I’ll see you next week! XO