Hi friends! Monday got away from me! We had family in town, and just had a great weekend.  The Byron Nelson was HOT, but I have a golf-loving little man in my life that thinks he is the next Jordan Spieth.  So, we lost a few pounds sweating at the new Byron Nelson course.  So fun though.

Reid and I also got fancy for the first time in years, so I guess I need to document this moment.  We were invited to Make A Wish Foundation Gala, and were just blown away by what an amazing organization this is.  The gift of life and hope that they give to these children is just amazing.

GREAT weekend, but I also had a bit of a moment of reflection.  My eleventh pregnancy was my last.  The last one I will have.  He was to be due on May 7^th. That day came and went a couple of weeks ago with only a little thought.  It is also Harlan’s half birthday, so it was more of a celebration.  I have to say that it feels like such a relief that I will never have another day go by where I realize I should be in the hospital with a baby right then.  I know that many of you have experienced this same thing, and I am so sorry.  But now a week or so after the due date, a few silly celebrities that I follow on Instagram are all having babies.  They came out around the time we lost him last fall and said they were pregnant and to be due around the same time we were.  I thought about unfollowing them, but I never did.  Now they are all having babies.  One yesterday, one today, one probably tomorrow.  I don’t know why this stings.  So silly.  I am at the point in my crazy journey that I can be so happy for them even though I am a little sad for myself.  I didn’t used to have that ability, but am thankful I can separate the two emotions now.  If you are new to the blog and want to learn more about our infertility journey, click here.

So, I have been working on this post since I started my blog in March.  It is obviously very personal, but something that people have asked me about on and off throughout this process.  Infertility is such an ongoing struggle.  For those that are walking that road right now, be gentle with yourself . . . you are doing the best you can.

So, here in no certain order are the top 11 things that you should not say to someone dealing with infertility.  I have also included the top 6 things that you should say/do!!  And, yes, I have experienced all of these!

Also . . . when you read this, you may realize that you have said one of these comments.  Or maybe a few of them.  No judgement, because I am sure that I did as well before I stepped onto this path.  Unless you have been through it, you will never understand what it feels like to struggle with infertility or experience the overwhelming heartbreak of a miscarriage. I am sure that if and when I said one (or more) of these comments, I probably felt that I was being so supportive and such a great friend.  She probably wanted to punch me in the face at the time, but was gracious!

TOP 11 THINGS TO NEVER SAY . . .

1. “Don’t Stress! You should just relax!”
   The #1 thing people say! I can’t tell you how many times I heard this! And from people that had gone through infertility as well! Does anyone feel like when someone tells you to relax that it works you up even more? Or, is that just me?

2. “It’s all in God’s perfect timing”
   This is SUCH a popular go to for people. I have said it myself.  But, when the desire of your heart is to grow your family.  And, you are on your knees in prayer! Please don’t tell me that God is just chillin’ and will wait around for perfect time.  I am aware of that.  But I want it NOW! Such a hard thing to put together.  Ugh!

3. “How long are you going to try?”
   This is a hard one. It is a valid question.  I had someone ask me this and was truly concerned for my well being.  We had just had yet another miscarriage, and I just wasn’t myself.  Loving being a mother to Harlan, but desperate to give him a sibling. We were pregnant with Jackson a few months after this comment. When you are in the midst of this journey, you will try forever.  The desperation is real.

4. Don’t ask for in-depth details of their treatment.
   If you are a dear friend, she will tell you. I made the mistake of letting too many people in at times, and I was one step away from giving my HCG levels in a Facebook status update.

5. “What position are you doing it in? Maybe not the right one”
   Y’all. I am not kidding.  Someone did ask me this.    I won’t get into details, but lets just say that I was given descriptive details as to how to make this work better for me.  Amusing looking back, or maybe I have PTSD from these conversations.  Not sure.

6. “You got pregnant once, so I know you can do it again”
   Probably true, but BOO! I talked with someone last week experiencing secondary infertility. That is when getting pregnant with your first wasn’t an issue, but now you can’t get pregnant again for some reason.  Heartbreaking!

7. “Everything happens for a reason”
   This is my go to. Even today.  I don’t know why, but it makes me feel better.  It is why I created this blog.  To try to make a difference out of so much of my own suffering.  But, when someone is going through infertility, DO NOT say this.  Think it.  Let them think it.  But don’t say it.

8. “Trying is the best part. I bet you are enjoying it!”
   If you mean that I enjoy shots, swollen ovaries, and turkey basters? Then no!

9. “If you drink more water or eat healthier . . .”
   You guys . . . when we were trying to get pregnant, I was so hydrated that I could tell you where the nearest Starbucks bathroom was at any point in the city. I was the guru of the newest infertility diet craze, and I regularly had acupuncture needles sticking out of me.  I tried everything that everyone told me to do.  It was so sweet to get the advice, but it got to be a little much.  Did you guys know that if you eat peanut butter while you are trying to get pregnant, your eggs will develop better? I think that is 100% false, but I heard it somewhere, and I still carry that 5 pounds of peanut butter infertility weight.  I love peanut butter!

10. “Be thankful you miscarried early before you were too attached.”
    This was a hard one. I heard it once, but I have had others tell me that they heard it too.  Especially from family members, and even husbands.  Thankfully, Reid never said this to me.  I don’t remember having a response to this one, but I do now.  Each time I got pregnant and saw those two pink lines, I fell in love with the life that this baby and I were going to have.  I can definitely tell you that losing a baby at 5 months was an entirely different experience for me than losing a baby at 5 weeks.  But, it is heartbreak the same.

11. “Sally got pregnant without even trying!”
    Ahhh, Sally. Or really anyone that has ever done this.  Bless you! I envy you! But, those going through infertility don’t want to hear about it.

TOP 6 THINGS TO ALWAYS DO/SAY . . .

1. If she is willing to talk to you about the details, be supportive of her decisions and just be there for her. This journey is emotionally, physically, and mentally draining.  She isn’t wanting you to fix her.  She needs you.  You ear, your shoulder, your extensive wine collection.  Or maybe that was just me?!? 😉

2. Ask for education, really listen, and try to understand. Whenever I am dealing with a new issue, I am always researching and trying to understand. For those that have never experienced it, infertility is strange, and the treatments are just wack-a-do! Explaining the details to friends and family always made it easier to communicate and didn’t make me feel like I was on an island all alone.
3. Only give advice when asked. This is so hard for me to do! I love to give people advice.  I told Reid that I was thinking about becoming a life coach, and he thinks I am crazy.  I guess I could just tell people I am one, right?

4. Ask what you can do to help. Most likely she will tell you that she doesn’t need help, but she knows you are there.  And, if you are like a certain special friend of mine, you will just go over to her house and help her anyway. 😉
5. Make them laugh. Sometimes talking about myself and my situation was ANNOYING! I was over me and over my issues. It just became too much.  I wanted someone to tell me a joke, chat about the most recent Bachelorette episode, or just tell a funny story.    That is what I needed.  For my friends to treat me normally, and not handle me with kid gloves.  Just call her, and make her laugh!

6. Pray for them! They will never know that you are doing this, but they will feel your prayers. I know that I have felt the prayers of some amazing prayer warriors during this insane walk of mine.

I hope this helps anyone walking this road.  I’d love if you share this post with your friends and family so that they might be able to help someone they know struggling with infertility and loss.  And, thank you guys for letting me be raw with my emotions.  We all try to act like we have it all together, but in reality, we all struggle from time to time.  Thanks for letting me share mine. XO