It is no shock that I love December and all things related to Christmas.  I have mentioned it many, many times. It is a magical time of year that you can easily get wrapped up in.

But grief and heartbreak don’t seem to care much about the holidays, and many times heartbreak happens in the midst of looking at Christmas lights or watching Home Alone. You can feel like you are on an island in the midst of people cheerfully listening to Michael Buble’s Holiday mix on Spotify. You may think that this can’t happen and that Michael Buble can snap you out of your funk, but trust me, it happens.

This post is written from my point of view having experienced some hard losses in 2017. I know that SO many of us are dealing with a 2020 wonky holiday season right now, so this is for all of you out there. 

Christmas for me was different in 2017. There was joy, but there was also grief. My losses were miscarriages: sweet Sophie in mid-June and then a little boy just before Thanksgiving. I know, however, that today’s post can speak to so many of you. On my prayer list alone, I have people dealing with cancer treatments, people managing the care of their sick parents, and people’s children dealing with hard issues, etc. I know that we all have our own issues, and I pray that this holiday season be filled more with joy than with grief. Give yourself the time and space to honor those you have lost and the space to feel your emotions. And, if any of your people are hurting, reach out to them and love them a little harder this year.

Here are EIGHT ways that I’ve found to cope with grief during the holidays.

TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF

We are all pulled in so many different directions during the holidays. Most of those directions have FUN destinations, but it can be overwhelming if the smile on your face is plastered in place to hide some tough emotions.  Take time to escape for a manicure or a massage, or just for a long walk around my neighborhood. Staying busy was the key during much of my healing, but taking time for myself was also so helpful during the stressful holiday season. Allow yourself to say “NO” once in awhile, and find what gives you comfort.

CREATE NEW TRADITIONS TO HONOR THOSE YOU LOVE

Just because you have experienced a loss, that doesn’t mean you have to forgot the person, the dream, or the what if. My best friend gifted me this BEAUTIFUL ornament after we lost Sophie. It has Sophie’s initials on the side written very small: SCB (Sophie Caroline Beucler), and we call this Sophie’s ornament. In 2017, there were many tears as we hung it up on the tree. In 2018, there were no tears and just a request from the boys to hang it up “very high so that everyone can see her ornament”. And, this year and last, it is the last ornament hung, and the boys always request to hang it where they want to see it. Keep memories alive in your traditions. Light a candle, raise a toast, tell stories. Allow your heart to heal through these special traditions.

GET OUTSIDE

To me there is nothing more healing than being outside in the sunshine. I found so much peace walking my dog or sitting quietly in my backyard drinking coffee. In 2020, being outside appears to be much healthier than being inside of a public space. So, take your coffee, your tea, or your wine . . . and head outside to relax and take a minute for yourself.

EXERCISE

This will be the most unpopular suggestion here, but exercise! I know that all you want to do is stay in your pajamas or dig into the bag of Fritos. Been there, done that. But, getting a good sweat in is one of the best things you can do to help with difficult emotions.

INDULGE!

This probably goes against all of the self help books out there, but ENJOY YOURSELF. In moderation, of course. I didn’t eat and drink my way through the holidays when I was grieving, but I definitely allowed myself a little indulgence without feeling badly about myself. I mean, people, sometimes that extra cocktail is needed. As long as you aren’t driving! And, the extra serving of mashed potatoes!

CHOOSE HAPPINESS AND GRATITUDE

“Happiness is a choice”. Blah, blah, blah. It is such a cliched saying, but it is true. We all have gifts in our lives and reasons to be thankful. When I was knee deep in grief, I had a sweet friend tell me that I could choose to drown in my grief or I could decide to move on and be happy. Choosing happiness is HARD. Especially when you are knee-walking through heartbreak. Force yourself to experience the joy of the season. I remember that Reid and I forced ourselves to take the boys to the Gaylord ICE exhibit in mid-December of 2017. All I wanted to do was to be sitting elbow deep in a mambo taxi at Mi Cocina, but the Christmas joy is contagious, people.  Choosing happiness doesn’t mean it comes easy, it just means you are trying to put one foot in front of the other. If you need help with finding ways to experience the joy, message me. I will plan the rest of your December for you!!

SPEAK UP OR WRITE IT DOWN

I am a talker, and I love to write. Sharing stories with people I trust was such a meaningful and helpful way to heal. Most people feel awkward in bringing up your loss, not wanting to cause you more pain. Let them know that it’s okay, and be open to share your heart with others. Don’t hold it in, and take on grief by yourself. It will break you if you don’t ask for help!

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK

You are doing the best you can. Be kind to yourself. If there is one thing that grief taught me, it is that it can be deafening even during the jolliest and most magical time of year. This year, listen to your emotions, take care of yourself, and let this be the best holiday season for you!