Being a “What if” girl . . . This is my current most annoying habit.  As far as I can tell, there are two types of women that have or want children.

1. The woman that has her children and decides that she is finished with that journey. I have a dear friend that just knew after having her two children (1 boy and 1 girl) that she had zero desire to have any more, and her journey to motherhood was officially over. I’m sure you know people like this as well.  It seems like such an easy decision for these mamas!

2. The woman that may or may not have children, but doesn’t know if that desire to have another child will ever go away. A dear friend of mine struggled with infertility, now has three children, the “shop” is closed, and she says she would have another child today if the miracle presented itself. I heard an interview with Nicole Kidman a couple of years ago where she said that even after years of infertility, she still hopes each month (in her late 40s at the time of the interview) that she will turn up pregnant.  It is just a desire that never goes away.

Which category do you fall info? I am #2. No shame, I am a “WHAT IF?” girl.

I pray that every person that is kind enough to read my blog, gets to this post, and cannot relate at all.  I hope that you have all had your precious babies, everyone is healthy, and your families are complete.  So, if that is you, CONGRATULATIONS! I am SO blessed with my miracle children, but it took a long time to know when to stop trying to grow our family.  A long time to know when it was time to walk away.  This quote sums up this journey for me perfectly . . .

As I have spoken with friends and family over the years, this has been a hot topic.  How do you know when its time to give up on your fertility journey?  How do you know when it is time to move on? I have heard from several sweet readers that I have been given the chance to message with that are in this “What If” stage.  What if I do one more round? What if that works? What if I didn’t miscarry and my baby was still here? What if? What if? What if it is time to stop? What then? A roller coaster of emotions people.  Not judging the roller coaster at all.  I still jump on for a ride from time to time.

Last year, I took my laptop with me just about everywhere.  Writing helped me heal, and my book dream was tapping me on my shoulder several times a week.  Over the weekend, I was looking back through the pages of writing.  So much of it is just a regurgitation of my feelings.  But, I did find this one, and I wanted to share.  I’m not sharing all of it, because it is extremely personal.  But, this is the moment I had to come to terms that it was time to stop.  To stop trying to grow my family.  To stop all of the hoping.  It was a hard, dark moment, but I am so glad that I have these words of mine to look back on.  Especially when I become that “What If” girl again.

“It is 3:23pm on Friday, December 1, 2017.  I am sitting in the waiting room while my husband gets his vasectomy.  I dressed up for the event.  After a morning full of running around in work out clothes and trying to stay too busy to deal with my feelings, I actually dressed for the event.  Like, I look like I am about to go out on the town . . . hair done, make up, skinny jeans, high wedge boots, etc.  I have no idea why I look like this.  There didn’t seem to be another option.  My emotions are all over the place, and I guess I feel like if I look like I have it together, then I won’t fall apart.  Today is the end of a journey.  This vasectomy marks the end of a decade long journey to grow our family . . . 11 pregnancies, hard losses, heartbreak, tons of DR appointments, thousands of dollars spent, BUT two beautiful and healthy boys that I love dearly . . . I prayed all morning for God to move Reid’s heart in a big way today, and that Reid would suddenly change his mind and figure out a way to grow our family, and then we’d work to find another miracle.  Each time Reid called me today, I held my breath thinking that “this was it”, he is calling to say he wants to cancel.  But, no.  I am sitting in a waiting room.  I must say, it is nice to not be the one going back for a procedure for once . . . So many emotions . . . This is the end of my dream to grow our family.  There is no more hoping that each month it may happen.  And, I have to say that I look forward to walking through to the other side of that door.  I can be angry and sad, or I can be blessed with my miracle children and husband.  I choose to be blessed and happy and thankful . . . but I am shaking while writing this, trying to keep it together.  I choose happiness, which means I have to move on.  After a decade . . . A decade is a long time to experience heartache . . . I choose to move forward.  And it sucks! And, I am going to drink a fat glass (or bottle) of red wine tonight after everyone is in bed.  “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. – Phil 4:13”

YIKES! There are some raw emotions for you.  So many of you reading this feel this pain.  I am thankful that we are building a community where we can share our stories together, and support one another through these defining moments.  I don’t know if you are a “WHAT IF” girl, or maybe you have it more together than I do.  If so, you rock.  If you are like me, and jump on the roller coaster of emotions from time to time (my most recent ride was at approximately 9:30am this morning!), I am praying for you.  You are not alone.