Good morning, friends! I am back from my girls trip! Such a fun getaway!  I told a friend yesterday that I am exhausted, but the batteries are recharged.  I hope that makes sense.  Here are the top three things I learned on my trip:

1. My stomach can still be sore from so much laughter. Especially when laughing with friends I have known since I was 18!
2. Water is my friend. Particularly when multiple wine tastings are involved.  And, I am 40(ish).
3. Do not watch the movie Downsizing with Matt Damon. I would never have been able to finish it if I had not been stuck 30,000 feet in the air. If someone can tell me the overall point of the movie and why I wasted two hours, please let me know.

So, this has been a post that I have been working on for a few weeks off and on.  For some reason, after basically blasting all of my information out into the world, this one was a tough one.  Apparently, after years of being incredibly private, I now have no shame! 😊 This post is personal to me because it discusses a lot of how I healed and how some amazing people helped.  I don’t think that this subject matter necessarily pertains to just infertility, miscarriages, and infant loss.  Each one of us has our own issue, our own hardship that we either deal with in public or we shove down and internalize. Everyone is different.  But as the saying goes: “Be Kind. For Everyone You Meet is Fighting A Battle You Know Nothing About”. When that battle gets hard, we all want to help.

Over the last year, I have learned many things about grief, healing, faith, and love.  But, one thing Reid and I have said from the day we lost Sophie – we have some amazing people in our life. I always knew we did, but these people taught me about the kind of friend I want to be.  I like to think I’m great in times of tragedy.  I can put together a meal calendar like a champ and I will pick up your kid in carpool. Basically, I am good at being given things to DO when tragedy hits a friend or family member.  This past year, we experienced love and support that covered the spectrum.  We rocked a lot of people’s worlds and hearts with our 2017, and sometimes there are just no words.  Sometimes you don’t know what to say.  Sometimes you don’t know what to do. And, sometimes you are scared to show up and face the grief along side the one suffering.  I have talked a lot about this with friends over the last several months, and wanted to pass along ways that I think are super helpful when someone is going through a tragedy.  This does not have to be a miscarriage or an infertility struggle.  This can be anything.

WHAT TO SAY

Even the chattiest of people can lose their voice when a hard situation presents itself.  Your heart breaks for that person, but you have no words.  And, sometimes people don’t want you to say anything.  They just want somebody to listen.  Everyone communicates differently, everyone grieves differently.  Here are a few things that I found were so helpful!

PRAY! I would not have made it through the process of delivering Sophie had I not had amazing friends praying for us around the clock.  Some sweet women literally had time frames in which they would sign up to pray for us.  Can you believe that? How blessed are we?

SCRIPTURE. During the hardest time of 2017, I would put my phone down for hours at a time and just concentrate on my little family of four.  When I would pick it up, and see tons of missed texts, a vast majority were from sweet friends that were sending Bible verses.  I will admit that those Bible verses stung a bit because I was so mad at God.  But, they got me through.  I would read them again and again and again.  Until one day, they didn’t sting.  The Bible is filled with encouraging scripture for those that are struggling!

CARDS. Some people truly have no idea how to handle tragedy, and a card can be such an easy way to show someone some love. I received a couple of cards that were so amazing, made me laugh so hard, and are entirely too inappropriate to put on this blog. If you are in need of an amazing card, I highly suggest checking out Emily McDowell Studio.  Oh my goodness.  So real, and for the recipient, so true! Please note that some are not family blog friendly.  But, here are a few of my favorite!

HOW TO HELP

Besides the meal calendars, carpool runs, and other pick ups, I wanted to highlight some other amazing ideas.

RUN INTERFERENCE.  When tragedy presents itself, someone needs to be the coordinator of the help. The person grieving will either say “no thank you” to help or will have no clue where to start in delegating tasks.  Figure out who needs to do this, and manage the process of meals, child care, hand holding, etc.

LAUNDRY.  I recently listened to Episode 100 of the God Centered Mom podcast series with Jennifer Clouse. During her struggle with cancer, they would put a bucket of dirty laundry on the front porch in the morning and it would be returned late afternoon clean and folded.  How unbelievably helpful is that?!?!?!? If you are going through a tragedy, how low on your list is the laundry?

SWEET SURPRISE.  I have to brag on a very dear friend of mine. My first time out of the house after having Sophie, I forced myself to hide under a baseball cap and go get a pedicure at a place I had never been. Towards the end of my pedicure, I looked up and saw my friend’s sweet daughter smiling at me and telling her mom that “Mrs. Beucler is here”. When my sweet friend saw me and said, “I’m so glad to see you out of the house”, I smiled, put my head down, and cried silently for the next 15 minutes.  She never spoke to me again during this time and allowed me the peace and privacy that I was trying to get that day.  When it was time to leave, she gave me a sweet hug, and I discovered that she had already paid my bill.  Such a small, little thing.  But friends, it meant the world.  She allowed me the space to grieve, and then surprised me in such an unnecessary way.  I have told her several times that I am going to steal that idea in the future.  Such a dear friend.

WHEN TO SHOW UP

If you don’t have words, you can always hold a hand, give a hug, be a shoulder to cry on. Know your audience on this one though.  I would not have been able to handle a house full of people.  The people that showed up on my door step or texted me saying they were in my driveway if I wanted to let them in . . . well, they knew I needed them. I am forever grateful to those people for being instrumental in my healing. Grief is hard, y’all!

I have walked several roads with friends that have experienced some pretty difficult events.   Last year, I read several articles about handling grief: yours and others.  Here are the three VERY SIMPLE takeaways that I feel are so important in dealing with any hard time . . . Again, I am not a therapist! Although, after a glass of wine, my minor in psychology can make me feel like a life coach.  Am I right?

1. “This is not about you.”
2. “Don’t dismiss people’s feelings”
3. “Above all: love”

Personally, I retreated into myself during the summer of 2017.  Reid managed to get me out there just a bit, but I spent a lot of time at home, snuggling with my boys, and just trying to heal.  I heard several “I have no idea the pain you are feeling, what can I do?” comments.  And, they were all so kind. I am so thankful to all of the amazing people that helped us through our dark time.

If you have been the recipient of an amazing gesture, or if you have been the awesome person helping out a friend, let me know in the comments! I would love to hear other ideas in how to be a great friend in times of need.  We are all here to help each other.  Looking forward to hearing from y’all!