Over the past year or so, I have been fortunate enough to get to know so many women in the Lunchbox Babies community. I have been honored that you share your stories with me, and that you allow me to pray with you, cry with you, and just be someone to hear your journey.

I am always so touched when someone wants to tell me about their miscarriage experience.

When I started sharing my story, I was shocked at the number of women I knew in my own life that began to share their own losses with me.

One in four women experience a miscarriage. SO MANY of us deal with this heartbreaking loss. And, so many of us suffer alone and don’t allow themselves to share and to heal.

I have had nine miscarriages in my life. Yes, NINE.

Two quick things here . . .

1. Looking back, I am not sure how I emotionally survived nine flippin’ miscarriages. Goodness.
2. I am proof that you can heal, that the grief does pass, and that its gets easier. I promise.

When you are pregnant, no matter how far along you are, you fall in love with your baby. The dream of your future with your little munchkin. Losing that dream is devastating, and unless you have been through it, it is so hard to grasp.

I get questions from time to time about my miscarriages and how someone can move on from such a hard loss. I gathered my little tidbits of knowledge, and am throwing them in this blog post for you.

If you or a loved one has experienced a miscarriage, I pray that this helps you in some way.

So . . . here we go . . . the Lessons That I Learned From My NINE Miscarriages.

Lesson #1: It’s Not Your Fault

Oh friends. This is a hard one. Each time I lost a baby, I went over and over what I could have done wrong and how I made this happen.

This was particularly difficult when we lost Sophie at five months. She was 100% healthy, so my body clearly could not support her and I failed as her mother. These were constant thoughts in my head. It took me a VERY long time (and some time with an awesome therapist) to accept that it was not my fault. 

Most miscarriages are totally out of your control. But, as the one carrying this baby, you will find reasons that you believe it is your fault. Did you take the correct vitamins? What about that glass of wine the day before you found out you were pregnant? It can go on and on. It is NOT your fault.

Lesson #2: Ask for Help

I feel incredibly hypocritical even writing this one. I didn’t share much about my miscarriages. There were just so many, and people really did not know how to even react around me. I shared with my husband and my best friend, but that was about it.

It wasn’t until after we lost Sophie (my 8^th miscarriage) that I found a therapist and a support group. That was LIFE-SAVING! I am not sure that I would have survived my grief if I had not sought professional help!

Do not grieve alone. It is lonely, isolating, and HARD. Do not allow yourself to sink. Grab someone’s hand, and let them carry you and help you through this time.

Lesson #3: You Will Have Already Planned Your Future

After losing Sophie, a sweet friend of mine said something that really hit home. She said that while I was grieving her, I was also grieving the loss of my future with her. The future that I had already planned out in my head.

In every pregnancy I have experienced, the loss of “that dream” was the hardest to deal with.

No matter how long you carry your baby, in your mind you dreaming of your future in all ways. You don’t even mean to be doing this, but it just happens.

Lesson #4: Pregnancy Becomes 75% Fear and 25% Excitement!

I wrote a blog post earlier this year titled “Fighting Fear After A Miscarriage”. You can click here to read it.

Once you have experienced a miscarriage, your next pregnancy becomes one giant prayer that everything will be okay. Basically, nine months on your knees begging God to let this baby be born healthy. Jackson was my seventh pregnancy, so I carried him for 37 weeks with five miscarriages riding heavy on my heart and mind.

Fears will surface, and you will have to fight the urge not to fall into that trap. Allow yourself to be happy, to hope and to dream. This is way harder said than done, and you will have to make an effort to work at this.

Lesson #5: Give Yourself Time To Heal Physically

No one tells you that your body is SUPER jacked up after a miscarriage. Without getting too detailed here, think about your worst period ever. Got that in your head? Okay, now multiply that by 27. Seriously.

Give yourself time to heal. Rest. Let people love on you. Be kind to yourself.

Lesson #6: You Will Be ANGRY At All Pregnant People

This was something that I struggled with. During my earlier miscarriages, I was still able to be happy for those pregnant women around me.

After Sophie, my anger bubbled over and I was OVER IT! Was there some kind of baby boom happening in Dallas during the summer of 2017? Pregnant people were EVERYWHERE! And, I was MAD about it!

My anger was part of my grief. And, you know what? That was okay. It was just another way that I was pushing through. My feeling of anger lasted for several months, but it was short-term!

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Lesson #7: Never, EVER Ask Someone When They Are Going To Have a Baby! EVER!

We have ALL been the person to ask that question. And, it is never anything malicious! Just one of those things that we all ask.

But, I have been going through a miscarriage when someone has asked that question. And, I have had to plaster on the smile, come up with some random answer, and try to keep tears at bay.

You never know what someone is going through.

Lesson #8: Share your story

Speaking about our experiences and sharing our stories with one another only help us heal! If you need someone to talk to, please reach out to me. I would love to hear your story. You are not alone. Praying for you, friends! XO