It has been two years.

Two years ago today, I delivered our sweet Sophie Caroline, held her, and then gave her back to the doctor.

Two years ago today, after seventeen hours in Labor & Delivery, I gave birth to my sweet baby girl that I already knew was in Heaven.

Grief, depression, anger, and heartbreak lived within me for months.

I had experienced seven other miscarriages at this point, and would still have one more to go. But, this, to me, was so different. I guess it was because I was able to hold her and pray over her.

My only saving grace was that I had to get up and live the life as a mother to two precious boys that were also grieving. If I didn’t have them, I would have lived my life in my bed, falling into such a deep, dark place.

Last year, June 17th was on Fathers Day. I was dreading the day. Poor Reid. We went out of town for the weekend, and I remember praying hard to let the day come and go without heartache.

When I woke up that morning in our hotel room, I just remember feeling peace. Peace that I had made it through the worst year of my life and peace that the anniversary was now something to move past.

Now another year has come and gone.

This past year has been filled with a lot of prayer, healing, and personal growth. I have so enjoyed growing the Lunchbox Babies community and healing right along with y’all! But, as we all do, there are rare moments of “what if”, where my heart strings are still tugged from time to time.

When I woke up this morning, I felt HAPPY! I feel happy, at peace, and so thankful for my little family. Kind of bummed that June 17th will always have the potential to be a downer of a day, but thankful to see how far I have come in two years. Hard days are few and far between at this point, even though I am aware that it is okay when they can still rear their ugly heads.

Life has gone on. Sophie is still included in our nightly prayers with the boys. They mention her from time to time now, but only as a memory and not with tears. It is evident that this is what my life should look like, and my boys are such miracles to me.

June 17th will never be just a day for me. You can’t hold your baby and give her back, and then just let that be a day. But, this year is easier than last year. This year I’m reflecting on the sweet blessings I have in my life. And, especially the knowledge that one day I will see Sophie again. I am very sure that she is currently the captain of the Beucler football team that we have in Heaven.

Oh, this picture. This was taken on our 1st “Framily” trip to Hyatt Lost Pines, and was just days before I found out we lost Sophie. I have never shown anyone this picture. Feeling pretty strong, and slightly scared, about showing it today. Look at my cute, little belly. Ugh . . . so much heartbreak and growth headed towards those three people in this picture. Just want to reach out and hug them and tell them everything will end up being okay.

If you need me today, you can find me lounging by a pool, snuggling with my family, or enjoying a glass of wine by myself.

Thanks to all of you for helping me heal. I am not the only one to lose a baby at five months, and knowing your stories and being able to love on you has been so helpful for me. My story proves that it does get easier. I promise.

If you have walked a road of loss and miscarriage, I am so sorry. If you ever need anyone to talk to, please reach out to me. I would love to encourage you and just be a gentle shoulder to cry on. Today, I pray for your heart as you grieve not only your baby, but the dream for your future. So much love for you.