Let me be clear here.  I love HGTV.  I can’t get enough of House Hunters.  And, don’t get me started on My Lottery Dream House.  Reid and I have started playing the lottery just so we can have a chance to be on that show!

Now that I have my Texas real estate license (AGAIN!), I would love to flip houses.  I love the creative part of the process.  BUT . . . news flash, that takes tons of money.  And, a very healthy market.  So, I am hanging back for a bit, and weighing my options.  And, of course, planning the debut of Reid & Shawna’s Wrecking Ball within the next decade.  Or, Flip or Flop Dallas.  Or, my personal favorite, Building With the Beuclers.

In the meantime, however, I am canceling HGTV.  I am sad about it, but I can no longer handle Fixer Upper.  Yes, Joanna and Chip are precious, fellow Texans . . . blah, blah, blah.  It has nothing to do with the fact that I am raging jealous that Alex Rodriquez apparently bought a beach house for Jennifer Lopez and hired Joanna Gaines to fix it up with her.  I mean, how much fun is that?! 75% jealous, and 25% super happy for JLo and Joanna. 

No, the reason that I can no longer deal with HGTV and Fixer Upper is SUPER selfish and ridiculous.  The reason is proof that just because I am on the “other side” of my infertility and loss issues, it doesn’t mean that I will always be 100% on the other side.  While they are few and far between, I still have moments of a hurting heart or a “what if” afternoon where an extra snuggle from one of my boys helps.  And a glass of wine after they go to bed! 

I write a lot about healing, but I think infertility and loss always stays with you.  I carry the scars of my infertility journey and the miscarriages we experienced.  Life moves on, and your heart heals.  I am healed. I am happy. I am blessed.  But I still have my moments.  And, that is REAL.  I’m fine with it.  Just keep my wine cooler stocked with Sonoma Cutrer.

Last year, when Joanna Gaines announced she was pregnant with baby #5 at 40, I threw up in my mouth a little.  Yeah for her, of course.  But I was months away from losing my last baby, and although I am BLESSED with my precious boys, it was a punch in the gut.  I guess it was just 90% jealousy and 10% anger.  Well, maybe 60% jealousy, 35% annoyance, and 5% anger.  Of course, ALL babies are blessings, and I am so happy for them and their family.  But it just stung.  Especially since she is my age, having a healthy baby, etc. 

I seriously have stopped looking at her Instagram, stopped watching Fixer Upper reruns, and have just removed the Gaines family from my life over the last year.  Didn’t I tell you that this was SO ridiculous?  But, hey, self-preservation folks.  And, then I forgot about the whole deal.

Until last week.

When People released their new magazine with Joanna on the cover talking about how her new baby is a blessing for all of them, and how lucky she is to have grown her family at her age.

Cue Shawna getting into a funk.  I am out of it now, pretty much.  Living my afternoons at golf courses and baseball ballparks with my sporty boys helps.  But, TOTALLY cancelling HGTV.  😉

I am writing this post, random as it is, because it is REAL!  I give a lot of advice from my experience with infertility and loss.  You guys tell me your stories, and I get to love on you and pray for you.  I want to be REAL with you and tell you that we are all in this together. 

Infertility STINKS!  Having one miscarriage or multiple miscarriages is HEARTBREAKING!  You will grieve, and then you will heal. I am a work in progress and will always will be.  I am sure that this will get better as the years go by.  If you have walked this road, don’t be too hard on yourself.  You will have your moments.  That’s okay. We are pretty tough. If you are feeling lonely and having a moment of heartbreak, please share your story. I would love to hear from you, and would be honored to pray for you and love on you!

Y’all have a great week! I’m headed to go cancel HGTV!  Ha!