Later this month, we will “celebrate” National Infertility Awareness Week. Last year, I was honored to be on Don’t Mom Alone’s podcast during this week and was able to share my story of infertility and loss. This year, I am working on a few other ways to honor the week. So, today, I wanted to chat about a term you probably don’t hear much about. Secondary Infertility.

Let me just say that I have some pretty stellar experience with this. I mean, Jackson (my 2nd child) was my 7th pregnancy. Lots of infertility and loss thrown around while trying to have my second baby!

When you are going through infertility, you spend a ton of time at the doctor. Blood work, sonograms, more blood work, more sonograms, procedures . . . and on and on. Sitting in the waiting room is both nerve racking and exciting. Lots of fear and lots of hope. Such a strange mixture.

One day in the waiting room (while trying to have Harlan), I noticed a magazine with a cover story about secondary infertility. Having no clue what that was, I dove into the article.

Secondary Infertility is defined as “the inability to become pregnant or to carry a baby to term after previously giving birth to a baby.”

The magazine article discussed the possible causes of secondary infertility, which were much like the causes of primary infertility. And, there were also quotes from women experiencing this issue and expressing their heartbreak.

I am so ashamed to admit this, but I remember thinking that these women were SO lucky. They had a baby! I didn’t have one! Couldn’t they be happy for what they had? I didn’t get it. I put the magazine down. Got pregnant with Harlan (my first pregnancy), carried him to term, and became a mom.

Fast forward twenty months later, and having just experienced our second miscarriage, I thought back to that article. Man, I had been such a little snot! I was in the throws of secondary infertility, and man was it HORRIBLE!

But, that is what makes Secondary Infertility so tricky! People don’t get it. People don’t understand all the drama when the couple already has a child! Let me be clear here, I was one of those people. But, let me also say, Secondary Infertility is real. It is hard. It is heart-breaking, bank-breaking, soul-crushing. No fun.

Do you want in on a little secret about me? One that will probably disgust you just a touch? When I was dealing with infertility, I became so incredibly desperate to grow my family that I couldn’t see straight. I remember thinking one cycle didn’t work, and calling the nurse hysterical one morning telling her I wanted to go ahead and pre-pay the next round and just get the ball rolling. She told me to slow my roll, take a breath, and wait it out. By some strange miracle, that was the cycle that I got pregnant with Jackson! How I didn’t end up on anxiety medication, I will never know. Not a pretty time in my life.

Eighteen months ago, I joined a support group for women that had experienced miscarriages. I was the only one that had two children. I listened to their heartbreaking stories of trying to find a sibling for their child, and I realized two things:

1. It doesn’t matter if you have a child or not, struggling to grow your family is REAL and is a heartbreaking journey. AND . . .
2. Infertility and loss can make a woman desperate. That feeling that you would do ANYTHING to be a mom. It is a hard emotion to grasp, but I have been there. These women were there.

When I was only blessed with Harlan, if you had asked me if I was grateful to have him, my overwhelming answer would of course be “YES”! There is no denying how blessed I was and how thankful I was to have my little man. But my desire to have another child and grow my family did not disappear just because I had Harlan.

That Secondary Infertility. A tricky and unfortunate concept.

If you are reading this, and know of someone experiencing Secondary Infertility, please give them some grace. We ALL have something that we deal with, and infertility is hard cross to bear.

If you are currently experiencing Secondary Infertility, I am SO sorry. It is such a confusing time, and I would love to pray for you. Please reach out to me and let me know your story.

As the National Infertility Awareness Week approaches, I would ask all of you to share your stories. Whether you are trying to have your first child, or trying to add more children to your family. Share your stories, and let’s get this conversation going! We are all in this together! XO