We are doing a little REAL TALK today. Over the past month, I have had the privilege of speaking with a couple of women that have shared their stories with me. They are currently smack dab in the middle of their journey of infertility and loss, and reached out to get my thoughts. I wanted to write a post that sums up those thoughts in just a few words. Eight, to be exact!

Since starting Lunchbox Babies, I have told my story so many times.  It used to be hard reliving the heartbreak, but with time, it has gotten easier.  And, I love thinking that by my sharing my insane story, I may be helping other women.  But, when I look back on my story, I can see the good and the bad.  Infertility is marked by VERY high highs and VERY low lows.  The bad part can be described in three words.  Just three. 

1. Shame. This emotion is very raw.  I am a woman, I am supposed to be able to get pregnant without issues and I am supposed to have a healthy baby every time.  Unfortunately, PCOS, a balanced translocation, and an autoimmune disease all disagreed with me.  Reid was amazingly healthy with his “super sperm”, and it was my fault. My body’s fault.  Feeling like I was always the one to blame gave me a feeling of great shame.
2. Desperation. When you want to have a baby, and you are unable to.  Ugh . . . that desperate feeling is REAL! You are willing to do just about anything to have a healthy baby.  Spend thousands of dollars I don’t have? Sure! Shoot myself up with all kinds of drugs? Sure! Desperation is HARD.  I have been there SO many times.
3. Exhaustion. Feeling shame and desperation sure is exhausting! So is plastering a smile on your face and acting like nothing is wrong when you head out into the world. 

Those three words cut to the center of my journey, and describe a decade long battle in the best way I know.  If you are new to Lunchbox Babies, here is a quick recap of my infertility journey:

• Months of Clomid, Shots, timed intercourse, and two IUIS
• WE HAVE HARLAN!!!
• FIVE miscarriages, including one where we lost twin girls around 9 weeks.
• WE HAVE JACKSON!!!
• TWO miscarriages
• I deliver Sophie Caroline at five months.  Hold her, pray over her, and then say good bye
• ONE miscarriage
• Vasectomy and closing of the shop, lots of therapy, lots of praying

When faced with infertility, you have two choices: You can dwell on the heartbreak and the anger, or you can choose to be happy and learn from your journey.  Infertility and loss do not define me.  But, they have taught me that there is nothing I cannot do.

If you are walking down a road of infertility and loss right now, and knee deep in the three words above, check out the list below.  Read it, pray about it, and really dig deep.  I bet that you will find that YOU are also learning a few of these things on this journey.   Now, NONE of us would choose to walk this path.  But, here we are.  Let’s hold each other up, love on each other, support each other, and make the best of what we have.

5 WORDS THAT DESCRIBE MY INFERTILITY JOURNEY

STRENGTH

Ladies . . . WE ARE STRONG! Who else can turn their stomachs into pin cushions and never bat an eye.  I am convinced that after a decade long journey of infertility and loss, that I can do about anything.  This journey taught me perseverance and strength.  It is doing the same with you!

DETERMINATION

I have heard it said that if you get a bunch of women together, that they can accomplish anything.  Well, I am going to take that one step further.  If you get a bunch of women that have dealt with infertility together, well watch out world, because they are a determined group of ladies!!!!!  I have always been someone that likes to get things done.  Determined to put myself through school, determined to get a certain job, determined to be a mom.  It is a mindset that only became stronger when my dreams of motherhood weren’t easy.  My doctor teased me many times that I had one of his biggest patient files.  Well, sir, I am jacked up physically and extremely determined to be a mother.  😉

PATIENCE

Reid will tell you that I can be a little impatient from time to time.  Especially if I haven’t had my coffee.  Slow drivers in the fast lane, too many items in the express lane at the grocery store . . . you get the drift.  I enjoy being able to control the way my life goes.  This is when God laughs and says “good one”.  Infertility taught me that I have ZERO control.  And, unless I want to make myself crazy, I must accept my situation.  That dreaded two-week wait? Still the worst.  But, my journey taught me patience! Reid may say that the jury is still out on this one. Ha!

ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance that EVERYONE HAS A STORY!  You never know what is going on in someone’s life.  After a miscarriage, I shared our story with a neighbor.  She was shocked and said “I always thought you had it all together”.  Ha!  That would be a NO!  But, I was good at acting like it was all okay and holding the suffering inside.  A “silent sufferer”, someone once told me.  There are a TON of women and men dealing with infertility that are suffering in silence as well.  There is always more to the story.  The more I share my story, the more people let me in own their stories.  You never know.  Be kind to all as we all are dealing with something.

GRATEFUL

Oh man.  I am so grateful for my babies!  I am grateful that Harlan was my first pregnancy, and I was able to enjoy the process rather than just feel a mixture of relief, fear, and exhaustion!  I am grateful that I was able to keep trying in an effort to have Jackson – who was my 7^th pregnancy!  I am grateful that I am a Christian and know that I have a football team in Heaven that I will get to meet with open arms and spend an eternity with.  Now . . . do I wish that I had not walked this journey? I have mixed emotions.  If getting pregnant was easy for me and I had never experienced a miscarriage, I would never have had Jackson.  So, for that example, I would walk it again and again to get that little dude’s smile in my life everyday! But, I do wish that Sophie Caroline was snuggled up to me today.  And, I always will.  But, again . . . she is the current captain of that football team, so I’ve got that going for me! 😉

I woke up this morning praying for those of you that read this blog post.  Infertility is hard.  Miscarriages are heartbreaking.  If you are dealing with either or both, I hope that this post provides just a bit of comfort to you.  Please share this post with others that you know that have walked this road or are doing so now.  I am always happy to chat with you, if you would like to reach out. I am thankful that so many of you have already let me into your lives, and allowed me to hear your stories! It is not for the weary, and you are STRONG!  So much love to all of you. XO